I wish I could have successfully shared with my parents the non selfish reasons for wanting to be back. Actually, even sharing the selfish reasons might have been cathartic.
1) the diversity - being a minority among so many other minorities out here makes it easier to feel like I fit in here,Then there's the food - access to ingredients (domestic and foreign), fresh produce prices, the ability to try so many different ethnic cuisines. It turns out that the area of southern California where I reside is home to the largest and most diverse assortment of regional Chinese cuisines outside of China. Five years ago I began exploring and visiting these restaurants weekly. I've managed to visit maybe 25% of the 800+ different Chinese restaurants in the area as I've since diversified to include Korean & Mexican cuisines nearby in east LA as well as Koreatown.
2) the weather. 'nuff said.
3) the dancing. As my dance background includes ballroom, west coast swing, salsa, blues, etc. It's possible for me not only just to find some place to dance that night, I can also typically find a place to do so to live music, especially in the summer.
4) the music. listening, performing, teaching, the last providing a nice segue to less selfish reasons I'm reluctant to leave LA:
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The teaching: I'm currently providing instruction in piano, guitar & violin to a number of students. I'm also tutoring at a local para-school tutoring where my mentor has noted that I'm often counseling my students as much as tutoring them when I get assigned students whose parents, in a fit of anger, are screaming F-bombs at their kids, or have apparent separation anxiety in relation to their mothers, etc. I'm also tutoring chess as part of an after school program. One teacher has noted that two of the students are autistic but there's little evidence of that in their behavior as they concentrate on chess. Other kids respond to seemingly insignificant things like remembering their name.
My working with the homeless. I've invested 7-8 years developing relationships with some of the people who show up - not only have I become a friend/confidant, I've been befriended by them as well. My current living situation is a result of one of the homeless knowing of my need to find housing and bringing a specific ad to my attention with a comment along the lines of a feeling that this is somehow meant to be. A person who used to come to dinner got an interstate job driving trucks. He plans to build up a stake so that he can quit, move back to LA, buy a car so he can Uber/Lyft to make a living - and come back and help volunteer on Tuesday nights.
The bottom line is that I am now consciously embracing the idea that I'm here to make a difference - and that's going to continue in ways I can't even imagine at this point as I make a conscious effort to break the pattern of behavior that's prompted me to stifle myself. That topic deserves its own post.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
I Went Home
...and I also returned home, back to LA last night.
In my last post, I was wrapping up a visit to see my parents, and completely unaware that the most significant part of the visit had yet to occur.
After treating Dad to both lunch and dinner for his 95th birthday, Dad told me that he wanted to buy me lunch - at McDonald's. The place happened to be on the same street where a place called Red Barn was located - a one off burger joint that was the defacto place to go the few times we went out to eat. It was like coming full circle.
My Dad & I had already spoken a number of times about selling the house and his moving to Milwaukee, but I knew I had to make it clear that I wasn't going to move back to CLE so my Dad could continue to live in the place he'd called home for the last 48 years. So I simply told him that I knew he wanted to stay in Cleveland, but I wasn't going to move back to Cleveland to take care of him. He asked me why. I had planned to bring up an incident in the past where my father's sister & brother in law demanded that he quit his job and go back to work for them doubling or tripling his commute time - and he'd refused - but I just simply said that I couldn't. He paused for a moment, and then began talking about all the unknowns he'd be facing with the impending move; various ways he'd be giving up his independence, not having a car, having my sister cash his SS check and give him an allowance. All I could do was respond with an occasional soft: "I know." and just keep listening. Eventually, he went on a rant about all the lip service he'd experienced from well meaning people in town offering to help with none of them following through. Again, I just listened. I'd like to think Dad could see the empathy expressed on my face - but elderly Chinese tend not to look at the person they're talking to when the topic is a serious one. After the rant ended, he asked me how long I'd lived in LA, and I told him 29 years. He paused for a bit. I hope it's not some sort of chinese curse; he then wished me good luck when I went back to LA and we hugged.
I'm not sure what to make of this. I know for sure that I heard my Dad talk about his fears for the first time. I'd like to think that he knows that I listened to and heard him. And that is huge. I'd also like to think that he accepted my choice and sent me back to LA to live my life with his blessing. I guess we'll see.
In my last post, I was wrapping up a visit to see my parents, and completely unaware that the most significant part of the visit had yet to occur.
After treating Dad to both lunch and dinner for his 95th birthday, Dad told me that he wanted to buy me lunch - at McDonald's. The place happened to be on the same street where a place called Red Barn was located - a one off burger joint that was the defacto place to go the few times we went out to eat. It was like coming full circle.
My Dad & I had already spoken a number of times about selling the house and his moving to Milwaukee, but I knew I had to make it clear that I wasn't going to move back to CLE so my Dad could continue to live in the place he'd called home for the last 48 years. So I simply told him that I knew he wanted to stay in Cleveland, but I wasn't going to move back to Cleveland to take care of him. He asked me why. I had planned to bring up an incident in the past where my father's sister & brother in law demanded that he quit his job and go back to work for them doubling or tripling his commute time - and he'd refused - but I just simply said that I couldn't. He paused for a moment, and then began talking about all the unknowns he'd be facing with the impending move; various ways he'd be giving up his independence, not having a car, having my sister cash his SS check and give him an allowance. All I could do was respond with an occasional soft: "I know." and just keep listening. Eventually, he went on a rant about all the lip service he'd experienced from well meaning people in town offering to help with none of them following through. Again, I just listened. I'd like to think Dad could see the empathy expressed on my face - but elderly Chinese tend not to look at the person they're talking to when the topic is a serious one. After the rant ended, he asked me how long I'd lived in LA, and I told him 29 years. He paused for a bit. I hope it's not some sort of chinese curse; he then wished me good luck when I went back to LA and we hugged.
I'm not sure what to make of this. I know for sure that I heard my Dad talk about his fears for the first time. I'd like to think that he knows that I listened to and heard him. And that is huge. I'd also like to think that he accepted my choice and sent me back to LA to live my life with his blessing. I guess we'll see.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
You Can't Go Home - Part Two
My flight back to LA is in about six hours. I''ll take my dad to lunch (he's requested mcdonald's, but it feels strangely appropriate for reasons I might explain later) and then go visit mom & then take public transport out to Hopkins (international airport).
It's a surprise to discover that I'm quite ambivalent about my return to LA. Recently I read an article in an alumni magazine written by a fellow toisan chinese currently enrolled at my alma mater (go blue!). This person spent his summer doing two internships, one in Sarajevo (sp?) and also one in D.C. in the State Department where all his fellow interns were pretty much all local kids with high powered D.C. connections while he (like me) is the child of chinese immigrants who've been in the restaurant business. He's not even able to explain to his parents what he did during his internships - his conversations with his parents revolve around topics like how to make rice porridge or the antics of his brother. His goal is to be able to influence foreign policy on immigration but the best he can do is explain to his parents that he wants to be a teacher. My experience has been similar for decades, and it's been the cause of a lot of frustration. It wasn't much different the past few days, but I feel more connected in a way I hadn't anticipated. Hence the ambivalence; before I left, friends had asked me what my goals were and, having anticipated a lot of drama that failed to materialize, my response was mainly survival. I guess the best way I have to describe it now is that I have closure - whatever that means.
It's a surprise to discover that I'm quite ambivalent about my return to LA. Recently I read an article in an alumni magazine written by a fellow toisan chinese currently enrolled at my alma mater (go blue!). This person spent his summer doing two internships, one in Sarajevo (sp?) and also one in D.C. in the State Department where all his fellow interns were pretty much all local kids with high powered D.C. connections while he (like me) is the child of chinese immigrants who've been in the restaurant business. He's not even able to explain to his parents what he did during his internships - his conversations with his parents revolve around topics like how to make rice porridge or the antics of his brother. His goal is to be able to influence foreign policy on immigration but the best he can do is explain to his parents that he wants to be a teacher. My experience has been similar for decades, and it's been the cause of a lot of frustration. It wasn't much different the past few days, but I feel more connected in a way I hadn't anticipated. Hence the ambivalence; before I left, friends had asked me what my goals were and, having anticipated a lot of drama that failed to materialize, my response was mainly survival. I guess the best way I have to describe it now is that I have closure - whatever that means.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
You Can't Go Home - Part One
Or so goes the title of the Thomas Wolfe tome. While I'm back in NE Ohio right now, this will become true shortly; my parents are no longer capable of living unassisted and will be moving out of state. The house where I spent my formative years is to be prepped for sale. Once the house is sold and my parents are relocated, I will have no reason to return to NE Ohio.
Unlike George Webber, I have a chance to take of some unfinished personal business on this trip. I think I managed to do some of that this morning. I'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense. It starts with my personal conviction that it's the fathers who affirm their children into adulthood. Mother affirm unconditionally, while fathers must make a conscious choice to affirm their children. So I came home this morning while my dad (2 days short of his 95th birthday) was mowing the lawn. I decided to help. This needs to be said to emphasize the significance of this choice. This was probably the first time I helped my dad with anything since my adolesence. My father was the type of person that if you couldn't do something as quickly as he could, he would get impatient and just take over the task himself. As a result, I really didn't gain the confidence to take care of things around the house until well into my 30's. Anyway, not only did I end up edging the lawn, tree lawn and clearing away plants overgrowing the front porch and hose off the grass on the side of the neighbor's car parked next to the tree lawn, my dad also pointed to the side of the garage and asked me to clear away all the weeds that had taken over. It wasn't a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it was a big deal to be deemed competent enough to do so.
The flip side of this is knowing that while he's agreed to relocate to be near my sister, his cronies from the old country have been telling him that it's *my* responsibility to move back to NE Ohio to take care of him until he passes on. Now I must find a way to communicate to my father that I will not be doing this.
Unlike George Webber, I have a chance to take of some unfinished personal business on this trip. I think I managed to do some of that this morning. I'll see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense. It starts with my personal conviction that it's the fathers who affirm their children into adulthood. Mother affirm unconditionally, while fathers must make a conscious choice to affirm their children. So I came home this morning while my dad (2 days short of his 95th birthday) was mowing the lawn. I decided to help. This needs to be said to emphasize the significance of this choice. This was probably the first time I helped my dad with anything since my adolesence. My father was the type of person that if you couldn't do something as quickly as he could, he would get impatient and just take over the task himself. As a result, I really didn't gain the confidence to take care of things around the house until well into my 30's. Anyway, not only did I end up edging the lawn, tree lawn and clearing away plants overgrowing the front porch and hose off the grass on the side of the neighbor's car parked next to the tree lawn, my dad also pointed to the side of the garage and asked me to clear away all the weeds that had taken over. It wasn't a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it was a big deal to be deemed competent enough to do so.
The flip side of this is knowing that while he's agreed to relocate to be near my sister, his cronies from the old country have been telling him that it's *my* responsibility to move back to NE Ohio to take care of him until he passes on. Now I must find a way to communicate to my father that I will not be doing this.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Mortality
For those who don't know me, who I am today is profoundly shaped by my being attacked in 2013 by someone wielding a box cutter who managed to sever the anterior branch of my carotid. I spent the better part of 3 months recuperating from that - physically, yes, but also emotionally & spiritually.
I find myself compelled to examine mortality again. But it's very different this time; instead of facing my own mortality stemming from an unexpected swift and potentially brutal attack, I'm now dealing with my parents and their diminishing health resulting from a slow and inexorable passage of time. My mother slipped and fell and she went from the hospital into assisted living care. From there she will be transported to an assisted living facility in another state in the city where my sister resides. My parents moved into their current home in 1970. My mother laments that she will probably never see her home again. My father will turn 95 this coming Monday. He's no longer capable of living alone by himself. He's agreed to move along with my mother to where my sister resides. But his Chinatown cronies are telling him that I should move back to Ohio to take care of him. I have to find a way to tell him that my moving back to Ohio is not going to happen. It's complicated. Anyone who just hears my voice without seeing my face is incapable of discerning my ethnic heritage. But every day I walk with one foot each in one of two often mutually exclusive cultures, and it's most complicated when it comes to relationships and obligations. The short version is that asian cultures in general are community based and relationships and obligations that accompany those relationships factor into the choices and behavior while western cultures tend to celebrate individuality; the privilege of making choices for one's self is viewed more as a right. The needs of the many vs. the needs of the few - or the one...
My mother's' choices illustrate that. When she fell, she actually postponed going to the hospital four (4!!!!) days, lying in bed in excruciating pain - because she knew that if she went to the hospital, my father would be home alone. He requires assistance every morning pricking his thumb for his blood sugar test. My mother finally went to the hospital when my sister drove eight hours from where she resides and took my mother to the hospital. After her X-ray/diagnosis - she cracked her tail bone - the case manager forbid my mother from going home. She was discharged into a assisted living facility about four blocks from home. My dad has been making food and taking some to her every day.
I guess the best way to put it for now is that instead of pondering the randomness of death, I now ponder its inexorability and how to respond to that.
I find myself compelled to examine mortality again. But it's very different this time; instead of facing my own mortality stemming from an unexpected swift and potentially brutal attack, I'm now dealing with my parents and their diminishing health resulting from a slow and inexorable passage of time. My mother slipped and fell and she went from the hospital into assisted living care. From there she will be transported to an assisted living facility in another state in the city where my sister resides. My parents moved into their current home in 1970. My mother laments that she will probably never see her home again. My father will turn 95 this coming Monday. He's no longer capable of living alone by himself. He's agreed to move along with my mother to where my sister resides. But his Chinatown cronies are telling him that I should move back to Ohio to take care of him. I have to find a way to tell him that my moving back to Ohio is not going to happen. It's complicated. Anyone who just hears my voice without seeing my face is incapable of discerning my ethnic heritage. But every day I walk with one foot each in one of two often mutually exclusive cultures, and it's most complicated when it comes to relationships and obligations. The short version is that asian cultures in general are community based and relationships and obligations that accompany those relationships factor into the choices and behavior while western cultures tend to celebrate individuality; the privilege of making choices for one's self is viewed more as a right. The needs of the many vs. the needs of the few - or the one...
My mother's' choices illustrate that. When she fell, she actually postponed going to the hospital four (4!!!!) days, lying in bed in excruciating pain - because she knew that if she went to the hospital, my father would be home alone. He requires assistance every morning pricking his thumb for his blood sugar test. My mother finally went to the hospital when my sister drove eight hours from where she resides and took my mother to the hospital. After her X-ray/diagnosis - she cracked her tail bone - the case manager forbid my mother from going home. She was discharged into a assisted living facility about four blocks from home. My dad has been making food and taking some to her every day.
I guess the best way to put it for now is that instead of pondering the randomness of death, I now ponder its inexorability and how to respond to that.
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