Narcissism

I approach this topic somewhat gingerly because narcissistic behavior is a part of my own personal history.  

As I understand it, the term derives from the myth of Narcissus, someone who fell in love with their own reflection, and narcissism has a modern day definition of describing some who exhibits an excessive degree of self-esteem or self involvement. The DSM5 defines the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder as follows:

“a pervasive pattern of grandiosity . . . , need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013, para. 301.81)

The DSM5 goes on to list diagnostic criteria as follows:, grandiosity; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance or beauty; belief that he or she is special; a requirement for excessive admiration; a sense of entitlement; a tendency to exploit others; an absence of empathy; a preoccupation with envy; and an attitude of arrogance. The point is that all these traits are pejorative; they are a list of unpleasant traits.

This created a sense of emotional dissonance when I began to explore and identify what had an influence on my behavior and I reached an intellectual conclusion that my mother exhibited a number of behaviors (but not all) that fit the diagnostic criteria listed above. At one level, it made complete sense; two of my favorite TV sitcoms are Everybody Loves Raymond and Two and a Half Men and a primary reason is that there's a mother character who displays narcissistic behaviors, and the impact of that behavior on the sons is apparent - even though each son responded to that behavior with different coping mechanisms. But because of the pejoratives associated with the term narcissism I felt like I was somehow judging my mother to be evil. And I can't imagine anyone wanting to feel that way. Another factor that contributed to the emotional dissonance is that I knew how insecure my mother was about a lot of things; she once confided to me that it took her years to talk to certain members of our church because of how well educated they were.

An article came to my attention where the author had done research with various patients exhibiting the diagnostic criteria of narcissism and concluded that there was a link between shame and narcissism. Shame deserves its own post (and I'm pretty sure I've touched on the concept already in a few posts), but for those of you unfamiliar with the concept, shame is a sense that there is something inherently wrong with one's self. This is different from guilt where one may feel that they have done something wrong. Guilt is from doing, shame is from simply being. The overall point was to consider the idea that narcissistic behavior is a symptom of shame.

Asian cultures typically rely on shaming messages as a means of prompting desired behavior, and as a result, the vast majority of those raised in an asian culture experience shame at a fairly deep level. It's not limited to parenting - it's common to use shame to motivate subordinates at work. A common result is that a shamed person often overachieves, motivated by the idea that one of their achievements might result in pleasing the authority figure in question. 

It makes a lot of sense to me that many who experience a deep sense of shame/inadequacy would resort to narcissistic behavior as a coping mechanism. This understanding should prove beneficial at at least two levels:

1) Those who exhibit narcissistic traits - understanding that there are not character flaws but rather a coping mechanism to deal with their pain might avoid a defensive response when identifying their behaviors;

2) Those who encounter people exhibiting these traits can perhaps sympathize or even empathize with the sense of shame/inadequacy instead of being angered by it;

It's been observed that narcissistic parents produce narcissistic children. This led to more emotional dissonance for me; if I had to accept that my mom was in some way narcissistic, then I also had to accept the idea that I was in some ways narcissistic as well - potentially adding to my sense of shame.

It's also been observed that you can't get a narcissist to accept any potential criticism - which makes it difficult to get people to recognize their behaviors for what they are. But once someone recognizes their shame, they can then more easily embrace the identification of coping behaviors. 

Hence, this understanding helps me on at least two levels. 

I confess that I'm somewhat surprised this never occurred to me before despite having read M. Scott Peck's People of the Lie decades ago. In this work, he has posited that it's an inability to recognize or accept displeasing things about themselves that result in people routinely lying about things. But the lies are not designed to fool others as much as they are designed to fool themselves. There's an irony in that the self-deceit associated with narcissistic behavior is a result of believing a LIE about one's own inadequacy.

This takes me back to a quote by C.S. Lewis:

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”

This describes perfectly the plight of those seeking comfort by using narcissistic behavior as a coping mechanism for their shame, which a lie about their self-worth.