I started this post in another blog five years ago with the next two paragraphs.
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I've come to expect/accept that I seem to operate at some different fundamental frequency than most folks. A lot of the stuff that seems to be what typical folks want to talk about are completely trivial to me.
I've come to expect/accept that I seem to operate at some different fundamental frequency than most folks. A lot of the stuff that seems to be what typical folks want to talk about are completely trivial to me.
Perhaps it's more accurate to say that the things that typically excite me don't have the same effect of most of the people I seem to encounter. I'm sure that how my brain works has a lot to do with it. But it's not just that. I just don't seem to care to do what I consider superficial, even though I acknowledge that there's value to that, and in some cases, necessary.
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And over the past five years, I've come to understand that indulging with others in what seems to be mundane details is a large part of how community is built. So it occurs to me that my sense of isolation is in many situations self-imposed when it comes to socializing.
On the flip side, almost every student I've tutored at the center where I've worked for the past five years seem to acknowledge my presence by greeting me or at least making eye contact when they show up even if I'm not assigned to tutor them that day. I see that as a consequence of allowing them to share about things not necessarily associated with their homework, things that I imagine a typical adult might find to be trivial. And I follow up by asking them about these things the next time I see them.
It occurs to me that the building of relationship is not about knowing the (mundane) details of another person's life, but rather more about the other person knowing that someone else knows what those details are. I elect to be interested in my students because it helps me build rapport to allow me to be more effective as a tutor. As a result my students listen to me because they know I am listening to them. And of course, my overgoal (hidden agenda) in feeding the homeless is building community. But I know that I can't possibly hear everyone else's stories, so I've striven to create the family dinner environment so that people living outside can form community amongst themselves.
Clearly the dynamics are different in typical social settings. As a tutor I'm being compensated financially (though to be honest, I derive no small level of satisfaction in knowing that I have connected in a way that seems meaningful for my students) whereas in social settings, people appreciate when I listen, but they seem to have little desire in reciprocating that interest, and I quickly got tired of it being a one way street. I find this ironic as most of my interests involve activities that require a fair amount of collaboration to achieve best results: ensemble music groups, volleyball, social dancing, etc. But then everyone has their own set of reasons for pursuing any particular interest - and collaboration may not be included in any one person's set of reasons, but rather narcissism.
On the flip side, almost every student I've tutored at the center where I've worked for the past five years seem to acknowledge my presence by greeting me or at least making eye contact when they show up even if I'm not assigned to tutor them that day. I see that as a consequence of allowing them to share about things not necessarily associated with their homework, things that I imagine a typical adult might find to be trivial. And I follow up by asking them about these things the next time I see them.
It occurs to me that the building of relationship is not about knowing the (mundane) details of another person's life, but rather more about the other person knowing that someone else knows what those details are. I elect to be interested in my students because it helps me build rapport to allow me to be more effective as a tutor. As a result my students listen to me because they know I am listening to them. And of course, my overgoal (hidden agenda) in feeding the homeless is building community. But I know that I can't possibly hear everyone else's stories, so I've striven to create the family dinner environment so that people living outside can form community amongst themselves.
Clearly the dynamics are different in typical social settings. As a tutor I'm being compensated financially (though to be honest, I derive no small level of satisfaction in knowing that I have connected in a way that seems meaningful for my students) whereas in social settings, people appreciate when I listen, but they seem to have little desire in reciprocating that interest, and I quickly got tired of it being a one way street. I find this ironic as most of my interests involve activities that require a fair amount of collaboration to achieve best results: ensemble music groups, volleyball, social dancing, etc. But then everyone has their own set of reasons for pursuing any particular interest - and collaboration may not be included in any one person's set of reasons, but rather narcissism.
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