Shame

I have struggled with shame all of my life, though it wasn't until my 30's that I was able to identify and define it. I personally define shame as the belief that there's something innately or inherently wrong with you, that in some way you fail to measure up to some arbitrary standard. This is different from feeling guilt which is the result of having done something.  Guilt comes from doing, shame comes from just being.

While I've made huge strides in learning how to be less hard on myself in the past ten years, it's become apparent to me that I still have a very deep fundamental sense of shame. Someone did a study into the neuroscience behind how we experience shame and how we respond to it and explains it as follows:

"When we experience shame, it interrupts the parasympathetic drive system, which runs our rational thinking, empathy, and positive social engagement. Instead, shame says “no” in a way that activates the sympathetic drive—the flight or fight system—of a person’s brain."

And I've responded in both ways - at times I've behaved in an antagonistic/abrasive way, but more often than not, I tend to withdraw, even when I go out, I set up boundaries that keep people at arm's length. But there's more:

"Shame also activates circuits in the right hemisphere and temporal lobes, which are the parts of the brain that help us perceive emotion. We experience shame most powerfully in glances, tones, and body language rather than through literal words. 
Conversely, shame can make it difficult for me to move. I turn inward and away from other people, disintegrating myself from them. Our brains help us sense, feel, and interact with other people. When shame strikes, these systems literally go offline, and they are quite difficult to get back online."

Definitely been there and done that.

The lie I believe about myself is typically refuted just about every time I choose to engage with other people and just be myself, yet I still hesitate to put myself out there.

The point of this is that the typical response to shame - resulting in our distancing ourselves even more away from those around us - also prevents us from healing our shame by entering into a healthy affirming community. So it's not just about recognizing our own shame, but also recognizing our response to it, and choosing to behave differently.

I am dreading facing up to this. My sense of shame makes me want to be alone, but now I know I must become very intentional about NOT being alone. And there are people waiting for me to deal with this and overcome this adversity. That might be even more frightening to contemplate.