The Fires, The Aftermath

 It's been a month since the fires burned down nearby neighborhoods and while my domicile was largely unaffected except for the air/water quality, I find myself in a state of emotional disequilibrium that seems to have lingered.

While I have friends (and former friends) and acquaintances who lost their homes, I found myself being more concerned about those already living outdoors (which seems to be the currently popular/trendy way to describe the homeless). There was initial pandemic kind of vibe as many businesses closed (some temporarily some permanently) which served in various ways as an oasis in terms of providing food/shelter/a means of recharging their phones, etc. It's been cold as it typically is at this time of year, but there was also the hazard associated with smoke inhalation; the smoke was so thick it obscured my view of the San Gabriel mountains less than 10 miles to the north. Perhaps experiencing those vibes attenuated my sense of the unease I've experienced with the advent of the pandemic. 

At present I attribute the unease to how the pandemic and other factors have contributed to my sense of isolation. I used to DJ weekly at dance venue in Burbank, and I was often there on other nights of the week and the location became my de facto venue for dancing as well as enjoying live music acts. I've had to deal with that loss for over four years now. And even though a lot of the pandemic restrictions have been lifted or otherwise discarded, the work schedule I adopted with electing to work nights has disrupted my ability to attend other venues I might otherwise patronize.  

At the same time, I became more mindful of how isolated a lot of the homeless are and a convergence of events and incidents has given birth to a sense (which I may have actually deliberately suppressed) I need to be more intentional in developing deeper/mentoring relationships with those who actively desire such.

There's a selfishness that makes me want to resent sacrificing activities I vastly prefer which involve music and dance - activities that are currently rare enough to make them seem that much more precious a sacrifice to make - in order to accommodate their schedules because I feel like I already feel the lack more acutely because of the extroversion in my personality - and it's even more selective because it's not just being involved in music or being where there's dancing, but also the type of music (and musicians) as well as the type of dance/dance community involved. It's difficult to explain and I expect any attempt would come off as being snobbish in some way that would just make it worse.

There's also some current dissatisfaction with my current night job for which I am grossly overqualified. One of my coworkers calls me the professor and tells everyone who will listen that I'm the smartest person in the building. I've been contemplating quitting and just paying the COBRA amount until November when I would be eligible for Medicare and taking more hours tutoring. I've also applied for a tutoring position that would pay a lot more an hour. So I'd have more free time *and* a better sleep schedule.