Grief

Given the directon of the content, I debated whether to post here or in the Barry's Kitchen blog. I may do a related post there, but I've been reminded over the years that the journey is often more significant than the destination.

This is a muse that moseys along, so bear with me. 

There's a new volunteer on Tuesday nights when we feed some people living outdoors (apparently the PC term for describing the homeless nowadays). I will refer to him as Marty (but that's not his real name). He's been through a lot, including being sexually assaulted by his father as a child. He completed his last stint of incarceration almost ten years ago, and he became eligible for section eight which finally came through. Some folks believe that putting a roof over someone's head is *the* prerequisite impetus required to get an individual rehabilitated. I would agree that it would help a significant percentage of those living outdoors, but it's not the panacea. Tying these two thoughts together, part of what I look to do moving forward to do what I can to help people who get housing along in their rehabilitation process. Marty's always had a rough edge which is completely understandable given his history. This was also influenced by his incarceration which led him to adopt a coping behavior of being very aggressive/hard-nosed in his interactions with people. This led to a recent altercation which resulted in a head fracture and recurring seizures. I was encouraged to allow him to participate by manning a hot drinks table where he dispenses tea/coffee & cups of soup for folks who show up and we've run out of food. We now spend time talking and sometimes smoking cigars as we do our takedown after the meal every Tuesday. This past week we touched on no longer needing to use an adopted prison persona to protect himself as he moves forward.

This led me to recalling the TV series Rectify which came out about ten years ago. The series followed the rehabilitation of someone who spent nearly two decades on death row when his conviction was overturned based on DNA evidence. The main character was portrayed by actor Aden Young, who was nominated for several awards for his portrayal. It occurs to me that the character's journey back into regular life isn't necessarily all that different from what often needs to happen when someone moves back indoors. But there's more: I've followed Aden Young's work ever since, and he got cast on theToronto version of TV series Law & Order franchise. I've begun following that show and one of the episodes of the first season was centered on investigating the murder of someone who was in charge of a tent community. It turned out that he'd chosen that neighborhood because his daughter and the mother of his daughter lived in that neighborhood and someone who'd known him commented that it was grief that led to him living outdoors.

Another segue: I like Nicholas Cage, and I've got a selection of a lot of his movies. including Pig which came out in 2021. The plot seems to center around a hermit seeking to recover a truffle hunting pig that was stolen from him. This hermit was a former constellation in the Portland culinary scene but he'd taken to living in the woods and hunting truffles. It turned out that the person who buys the truffles is the son of the person who'd had the pig stolen, in part because he'd cornered the market on all local produce and his son was cutting into his business but what tied the protagonist and antagonist together is that they'd both lost their wives. The antagonist's wife had suffered from clinical depression and the only joyful moment she'd experienced was eating a meal prepared at the protagonist's restaurant, after which she'd committed suicide or done something that resulted in her being in a permanent vegetative state. The husband had responded by creating a monopoly on supplying all the local restaurants and it all came to a head when the protagonist recreated that same meal in the antagonist's home. The protagonist told the antagonist that he'd remembered every meal he'd ever cooked and every guest he'd ever served, which prompted the antagonist to admit that he'd had the pig stolen, but the actual thieves were rough with the pig which led to its death. The protagonist then crumpled to the floor in shock, but when he returned back to his cabin in the woods, he plays a cassette tape of his wife singing a song to him in his restaurant, which suggested that it'd always been about losing his wife and adopting the pig as some sort of surrogate.

What I find fascinating is the idea that two people unable to cope with their grief each adopt radical coping behaviors, but in opposite directions. The protagonist closed his restaurant and abandoned civilization with only a truffle hunting pig for companionship while the antagonist did very well for himself financially with his business making getting reservations at any top local restaurant a given. Yet only the protagonist would be identified as having mental health issues.

Salt

 I originally began this a couple of years ago in a different blog, but never posted it. here it is.

 What does it mean to be salt in a biblical sense? We know salt is a mineral: sodium chloride, NaCl (more on that later). What makes it special? It's one of several dozen nutrients we need to survive. Unlike fat, we can't store it in excessive quantities so we have to replenish/consume it regularly,
In biblical period context, salt had sufficient value that it was used as a form of payment of wages - the word 'salary' derives from the word salt, as does the word 'salad' - a reference to how romans seasoned their vegetables/ leafy greens with salt.

Asides from being a currency and a seasoning, salt was also used as a preservative due to it being a powerful antibacterial substance. But it was also used as a weapon; the Assyrians began the military practice of salting the earth to inhibit plant root growth in conquered territories. (Interestingly, it was only recently discovered in the last ten years that there's an inner layer of tissue in the branching roots that anchor the plant which is sensitive to salt and activates a stress hormone, which stops root growth. This is a plant's 'fight or flight' response to a dangerous situation, in this case a dangerous environment.) Others used this characteristic of salt to punish or curse those judged of treason by dumping salt onto their lands. Salt also has anti-inflammatory properties and can be used in number of other different restorative ways. The point is that salt's presence can be used to promote growth, inhibit decay or to inhibit growth, as well as season food.  Therefore, care should be exercised in how we present ourselves as salt.

Having recently read the cookbook Salt Fat Acid Heat I've been prompted to focus the remainder of this essay on the impact of salt on food as a seasoning, as this seems to be the most likely quality that would occur to the typical believer. First off, it should be noted that it *is* possible to over-salt food as well. So care should be taken in how we 'season' our surroundings.  

The cookbook author Samin Nosrat points out that the primary purpose of salt in cooking is to amplify flavor. Salt has a greater impact on flavor than any other ingredient. But this doesn't necessarily mean *more* salt. It means to be more judicious in the how and when and in what form. Fortunately, humans are hardwired to crave salt, so it's seldom seen as an intrusion when salt is added. And by enhancing flavor, it increases the amount of pleasure we experience as we eat. 

This begs the question: does being salt imply an increase of pleasure/joy for everyone in our surroundings? I'm reminded of a plaque on the wall of a coworker's cubicle which stated: "Everyone brings joy to this place. Some by arriving, others by leaving." In this context, if we are to be salt, our use should be guided by enhancing/deepening flavor/pleasure/joy. Perhaps we can be guided by some principles in how salt can be used in enhancing flavor in cooking. To do that, we need to understand some facts about salt.

The properties of salt are influenced by its point of origin, which results in different categories of salt which refer to the size of the grain and other minerals which may be present in the salt. Some of these categories include:

1) table salt - usually mined from underground, fine grained. often iodized, resulting in a somewhat metallic taste;

2) sea salt - made from evaporated sea water. typically the largest crystals retaining various combinations of minerals which give it a more complex flavor profile. sea salts break down into sub categories including: smoked salt, hawaiian salt(s). fleur de sel, celtic salt, flake, etc. It's generally a misuse of these salts to dissolve them in water - they should be used as finishing salts so their texture also figures into the overall result. refined  granular sea salt, OTOH, can and should be used to season foods from within - either by absorption or in boiling water.

3) rock salt - mined from underground, resulting in various categories such as:
a) kosher salt - actually, originally referred to as "koshering" salt, it's original use was in jewish culture to help draw blood out of meat to make it 'kosher', typically free of other minerals. probably the most popular salt used in the culinary industry. There are two (2) major brands Diamond Crystal & Morton's, and their characteristics are so different that it actually makes a difference as to which one is used; Morton's is twice as dense and as a consequence is almost twice as salty in the same volume. Diamond Crystal, OTOH dissolves twice as quickly. The more quickly a salt dissolves, the less likely you are to overseason with it; often, you don't need to add more salt as much as you need more time to allow the present salt to dissolve.
b) himalayan salt - contains 84 different minerals found in the human body;
c) curing salt - used to remove toxins from meat, often dyed to distinguish it from table salt; 
d) pretzel salt - used exclusively as a finishing salt for pretzels. the rectangular shape helps it stick to the egg wash;
e) black salt - fired in a furnace with other ingredients and then sealed/aged;

The point is the understand that salt's contribution to flavor is multidimensional; besides having its own particular taste, it enhances other flavors. Used properly, it balances acidity /sweetness, minimizes bitterness, adds texture, etc. But you need to know the properties of the salt being used to achieve optimal results. This begs another question or two: are we each an unique type of salt based on uniqueness of our origin and history? As such, do we have a specific/unique purpose acting as salt? This ties in to the concept of being different parts of the body. Being different types of salt actually amplifies the analogy. If each of us does have a unique set of characteristics as salt, then it follows that each of us also has a unique set of circumstances where our ability to bring about positive influence is enhanced by the amount of grace we each receive individually.  If this is so, then a lot of profound concepts accompany this idea. 

The Fires, The Aftermath

 It's been a month since the fires burned down nearby neighborhoods and while my domicile was largely unaffected except for the air/water quality, I find myself in a state of emotional disequilibrium that seems to have lingered.

While I have friends (and former friends) and acquaintances who lost their homes, I found myself being more concerned about those already living outdoors (which seems to be the currently popular/trendy way to describe the homeless). There was initial pandemic kind of vibe as many businesses closed (some temporarily some permanently) which served in various ways as an oasis in terms of providing food/shelter/a means of recharging their phones, etc. It's been cold as it typically is at this time of year, but there was also the hazard associated with smoke inhalation; the smoke was so thick it obscured my view of the San Gabriel mountains less than 10 miles to the north. Perhaps experiencing those vibes attenuated my sense of the unease I've experienced with the advent of the pandemic. 

At present I attribute the unease to how the pandemic and other factors have contributed to my sense of isolation. I used to DJ weekly at dance venue in Burbank, and I was often there on other nights of the week and the location became my de facto venue for dancing as well as enjoying live music acts. I've had to deal with that loss for over four years now. And even though a lot of the pandemic restrictions have been lifted or otherwise discarded, the work schedule I adopted with electing to work nights has disrupted my ability to attend other venues I might otherwise patronize.  

At the same time, I became more mindful of how isolated a lot of the homeless are and a convergence of events and incidents has given birth to a sense (which I may have actually deliberately suppressed) I need to be more intentional in developing deeper/mentoring relationships with those who actively desire such.

There's a selfishness that makes me want to resent sacrificing activities I vastly prefer which involve music and dance - activities that are currently rare enough to make them seem that much more precious a sacrifice to make - in order to accommodate their schedules because I feel like I already feel the lack more acutely because of the extroversion in my personality - and it's even more selective because it's not just being involved in music or being where there's dancing, but also the type of music (and musicians) as well as the type of dance/dance community involved. It's difficult to explain and I expect any attempt would come off as being snobbish in some way that would just make it worse.

There's also some current dissatisfaction with my current night job for which I am grossly overqualified. One of my coworkers calls me the professor and tells everyone who will listen that I'm the smartest person in the building. I've been contemplating quitting and just paying the COBRA amount until November when I would be eligible for Medicare and taking more hours tutoring. I've also applied for a tutoring position that would pay a lot more an hour. So I'd have more free time *and* a better sleep schedule. 

Tutoring

I actually started this back in 2023 and never got back to it since I had no ending point. Now I do.
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Earlier this week I had the chance to tutor a student I hadn't seen for a number of years. I became his de facto tutor because he was enrolled in an Chinese enrichment program (he's Caucasian) and was trying to learn Chinese and I was the only tutor even remotely qualified to help him with his homework (which I actually couldn't do, but I devised some strategies to help him learn how to identify characters, etc.). 

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he's now about a foot taller than the last time I tutored him. Then history repeated itself as it turned out that he needed tutoring in a pre-calculus class and was working on doing conversions of angle measurements using degrees, arcs & radians, something I was ill-equipped to deal with as I haven't studied since trigonometry class in high school & I had to do a little internet review on the fly while my student was working on his homework to get caught up. My high school course material used some different terminology so I had to figure out the terminology being used by his textbook. Fortunately, before the session was over not only was I able to help him but I came up with a formula that allowed him to do conversions by creating equal ratios:

Radians/ 2 Pi = Degrees/360 = Arc / 2 Pi R (circumference)

which allowed him to cross multiply and derive the missing variable in the equation. 

What's memorable about this is that after the session I felt an emotion that was unusual for me; I actually felt good about being smart. I'm sure I need to clarify this. 

When prompted, I describe myself as painfully intelligent and it reflects how I feel about my intelligence most of the time, as it's contributed a lot to the sense of loneliness that I've experienced most of my life. Intelligence as defined by the makers of certain tests as being innate reasoning ability. And I also seem to be able to discern relationships between facts which allow me to identify causalities and draw conclusions that are eventually confirmed to be accurate, but I can't seem to explain how I got there to others. After a while I learned to stop verbalizing my observations as the typical responses were usually some combination of disbelief and laughter prompted by what I learned to understand was insecurity.

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segue to 2025:

I dawdle on youtube much more than I probably should, though to be fair I seem to spend a fair amount of time identifying channels which I find completely uninteresting. Today a UCLA site had a video on volleyball GOAT Karch Kiraly (the international volleyball association named him the best volleyball player ever in the last 100 years). He left competitive volleyball playing at the age of 46 (!) and went into coaching and now coaches the (US) women's Olympic team. Despite all of his success, the last sequence of the video has Karch talking about the importance of living a happy life and he cites the influence of Dennis Prager's Happiness Is a Serious Problem on the importance of gratitude:

"If you're not grateful, you can not lead a reasonably happy life. So I'm incredibly grateful for the chance to coach this team. run this program, to work with lots of quality people and we're working on ways to bring out the best in every single person in this program."

And I am grateful that I can do the same tutoring whether it's coursework or ISEE/HSPT/SAT/ACT test prep. I do consider the irony that I have this opportunity only because I'm mentally agile - but it's equally poignant that the most I have to contribute has little to do with me as much as it is recognizing what causes anxiety in my students, dealing with it while we discover what the best version of who they are really is - which is not to be a mirror image in how my mind works.