Mad As A Hatter

I recently discovered a song on youtube with this title written by a two sister band called Larkin Poe (they recently did a great album of blues covers called "Peach". Find a copy).  The lyrics (written for their grandparents who apparently suffer from some sort of dementia) follow:

I know what time is, Time is a thief. It'll steal into bed and rob you while you sleep. You'll never feel it. It pulls off the covers, and rifles through your head. Then you'll wait to find you can't remember what you just said... It happens to everyone... Just like the father of my father, time stole his mind and I can't forget that one fourth of his blood is mine I try not to worry... ~~~ PLEASE don't come for me I promise I'll be great Just let me keep what's mine. Please don't come for me, If you must then just please wait and let me have some time. Please don't come for me. Mind over matter when you're as mad as a hatter... ~~~ It's hard to draw a clear distinction When you are who you are. Through the looking glass, the past and future begin to blur though I keep playing Well they say the world is what you make it you think, speak and breathe. and those rules solidify, stuck in a world of make believe. You make the best of what you are given.... ~~~ Off with the head, off with the head... paint the roses, paint the roses.... Please...
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While we don't know all that much about Alzheimer's, it's believed that genetics play a large part:
I can't forget that one fourth of his blood is mine I try not to worry...
My mother is now exhibiting symptoms of Alzeimer's. And as I've aged, I've become aware that my mind is no longer as agile as it was 20 years ago. So I suppose it's a mix of fear and anxiety that prompts me to imagine my exhibiting these symptoms someday.

I find it ironic as I contemplate losing more than most; when I was five, my teachers asked me to read some college textbooks for them. And I did. I didn't understand the fuss. I got accustomed to being able to see/perceive things in a certain way, and getting skeptical/incredulous looks when I tried to explain how I reached that conclusion (which typically turned out to be correct). The best way I've come up with explaining it after a number of decades is that I just connect the dots. Patterns exist. I see them. This also allows me to see changes in the pattern as well. (That's how I perceive music as well - patterns and contrast. More on that in another blog post.)

While I wouldn't trade what I can do with my mind for anything, having this ability has also come with a cost in how I can relate to others. For want of a better way to put it, I've let myself be anxious about other people feeling dumb and I've deliberately filtered and stifled my contributions to many conversations. I'm doing it even now, when I desperately want to be able to just sit around in my mental underwear and just let it all come out. It's a bit like driving a car that's got unlimited HP, but also has a governor that prevents you from going more than 55 MPH on the highway. Instead of just letting my brain work, I focus a lot of conscious effort on minimizing the risk of making others feel dumb.

Who's the madder one?

It's complicated even further because I often express things with snark that conveys the element of humor in the thought. The snark is almost never genuine - but it's also never completely irrelevant. Fortunately, I do have a small group of friends who let me do the equivalent of sitting around in my mental underwear and speak freely,

I guess I've let this train of thought meander. My mom's mind is going. I fear I'm only a few miles back on the same path. And it's further complicated by the ambivalence I've struggled with concerning my intellect. And there's something else I have yet to mention - the prospect is even more daunting as I remain single with no offspring. But that's an anxiety I can deal with.