Roadrunner

is the title of the CNN movie/documentary about Anthony Bourdain. Bourdain committed suicide in 2018 and I was one of many Bourdain fans who grieved his passing. Actually, Bourdain was a hero to me, though I couldn't articulate why if you'd asked me. I suppose that if you had asked, I would have said that despite his being an atheist, his world view was in many ways similar to mine, food was a major constellation in his universe, we also share a certain degree of irreverence, but now as I look back, I can see that I also admired his search for truth. As I watched Roadrunner. it became apparent to me that, for all his success and accomplishments, Bourdain carried a sadness and void inside him that prompted his search for that truth. There were hints of that in some of his essays.

Bourdain lived a life most of us would love to be able to emulate: travel the world, try all those different and exotic cuisines, and uncover truths none of us would have known otherwise. But that success came with a cost. Being on the road 250 days out of the year cost him his marriage and contributed to his sense of inadequacy about being a good father. And when he *was* home, his celebrity prevented him from doing a lot of the things he wanted to do without being approached by fans/strangers anywhere he went.

I won't go into the details, but Roadrunner provides some insights that suggest Bourdain's suicide was motivated by an apparent romantic betrayal. To be fair, I got the sense that the other person had some avoidant attachment issues and Bourdain's behavior could be classified by some as a bit clingy motivated by being head over heels about this woman. The bottom line is that it recalls a quote from someone who I really respect, who observed that the loneliest moment in life occurs when you've given your all to something - and it lets you down.  I perceive that Bourdain spent his life looking for something he could believe in and give his life to - and when he thought he'd found it, it let him down.